These notes were first written over two decades ago, born out of lived experience, late-night research, and the kind of hard-won understanding that only comes from loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. They were originally published on The Shack (Mjtacc.com) as a resource for partners, carers, and family members trying to make sense of a disorder that most clinicians at the time barely acknowledged. The content draws on personal reflection, some contributions from A.J. Mahari – a Mental Health and Trauma Recovery Coach who recovered from BPD and gave voice to the inner experience like few others have, some from Elyce Benham, a clinical counseling professional who shares her practical frameworks shared within the Non-BP community. Some contributions from Patience Mason and Stuart Sorensen RMN. Most of the content is from John Molvig.
Some of the language and clinical framing reflects the era in which it was written, but the emotional truths at its core remain as relevant today as they were then. These notes are not a clinical guide. They are few people’s attempt to understand, to cope, and to help others do the same.
IT HELPS TO UNDERSTAND
– John Molvig
Being in a marriage/relationship with a person who has Borderline Personality Disorder will test your line of thinking, your own ability to cope and your beliefs. For many BP’s, life during their growing years were very difficult, for some it was even down right repulsive.
During our development years we are taught right from wrong, good from bad, love, warmth, caring, family values and we start to develop our own individual personality and our own belief system. Our parents, family and friends were our mentors. For some BP’s those same mentors were and still are their demons. Demons that will haunt them for the rest of their life, unless they face them. I realize that that is far easier to say than actually do but the demons inside them will not simply disappear. For some BP’s their development was stopped and twisted during these development years and their vision of good & bad, right and wrong, love, warmth, caring etc became twisted and distorted. Their belief system about life and love and everything we live by was formed by sick people who had probably lived with the same hell themselves in their own childhood. Not all BP’s were emotionally and/or physically abused, but far too many were and they are paying the price because of someone else’s inability to provide the most basic need to a child – love.
The site is here to provide support and information so please post a message on the message board and discuss any issues you may be facing. Stay strong.
BORDERLINE DILEMMA – THE WAY IT WAS FOR ME
– A.J. Mahari
If reading this gets confusing or starts to give you a headache then I will have made my point. The point of the way this is written is to try to give the reader an active sense of what it feels like to live within the confines of borderline dilemma.
If you are borderline, you may relate, and this may help you to understand that you are not the “only one” who experiences the way that you feel. If you are a non-borderline perhaps this will serve to give you a peak inside of what the borderline in your life is living through.
Rage from nowhere, attached to nothing…. floating-freely from deep within me and ready in an instant to spew forth in what seem like instantaneously-effortless bursts of unbridled entitlement to give me a sense of power amidst the feelings of helplessness that are my every waking moment. If I am helpless you are too powerful, no, I will be powerful. I will take your power away so you can be helpless. I don’t do helpless. I am power. I must have the power. We can’t both have the power. I want what is mine. You are mine right? I am not yours though, I cannot be anybody’s because I am not even my own. I gave myself to you. We are each others right? I mean, what’s the difference?
Fear strikes me from all corners of my being. What, what is it that I am not seeing? Is not what I perceive what is really real? Why is it that I am the only one who sees what I see, just the way that I do? What does this mean? Surely this is what is wrong with the world right? I mean it can’t be my problem. I am not afraid. I am not scared or weak or vulnerable. I need you….. NO!! ….I am strong and I don’t need you. If you let me need you I won’t want you anymore.
And if you say I can’t have you then I’ve got to have you. If you let me have you then I don’t want you anymore. I want you when you don’t want me and I need you when you won’t help me. It is the biting and the pain of this cold distance that I know that somehow is familiar and is the feeling that I need to give me the illusion of safety. If I were truly safe I’d be exposed and not safe at all. Get away by coming closer and come closer by getting away. I am exposed most when I hide and hidden when I try to be who I think I am.
Feeling alone, again, abandoned as always, alone, again. I am everyone and everyone is me. Who am I again? Oh yea, that person, and that person, and what this person, and this person, want. Where does that leave me when I am alone? Who am I then? Do I cease to exist if I am not in the company of someone off of whom I can bounce my existence and from whom all of my validation must come?
What is wrong with the world? Why can’t they see my pain? Don’t they know how incredibly much I hurt? Can’t they see that I need them to hold some of this pain for me, validate it, and take it away; for my soul runneth over with agony? Why should I have to bear my own agony? It is not my fault.
I didn’t do this to me. I didn’t choose to hurt like this. I am beside myself with all of this pain and anger and grief as is an infant whose mother is angry with him or her. What do I do with that angry face? It is not acceptance, it is rejecting me…..but I NEED it…..what am I to do? I don’t know what to do so I put it beside me.
Whatever it is, I leave it to sit there….and it builds over the course of a lifetime. It builds and it always hurts. It hurts even when I don’t feel it at all. I need to get what I need. I’ll die if I don’t. I’ll just die. I am dying to live and in my attempts to live I die.
And so I have remained trapped inside this isolated and insulated place of youth stunted in my emotional growth. I am a victim. It is not my fault. I hurt and I hurt and I hurt. Why don’t you care? Why don’t you care? Make it go away. Make it stop, just love me from over there. Love me, but don’t you dare really care. It would hurt too much if you were to care.
I wouldn’t understand who you were caring for or about because I don’t know who I am. I hate who I am and what I am. I hate whoever the hell I am. I have come to hate what it is that I might be, or sometimes am. I don’t like the voided vacuum within which I feel like my being exists under a glass bubble.
So close, yet so far away from others am I. So close, yet so far away, from whoever I am, am I. Who are you trying to care about? What does that mean, that you want to care about me? It would mean that I needed you to care. I don’t need you to care but I am dying for you to care. Still, care from over there and don’t act like I need you.
Rescue me, by leaving me alone…it’ll kill me. Leave me alone but rescue me. I need you to rescue me if I am to live. I am not alive. I am dead. I am dead when I try to be alive. I am alive when I act like I’m so dead I can’t feel anything. There is such a sharp feel to the pain of numbness. Feeling the absence of myself like this. Where do the feelings go? Where does all of that pain hide? I dissociate from all that hurts. I give it to others. It is their fault, and their problem, not mine. Help me, while you leave me alone. Leave me alone while you help me. NOW!
I am the center of the universe. Yes I am. I am it and it is me. I will act this way too, if I feel like it. No, you can’t win. I will win. I’ll get you coming and I’ll get you going and there will be no way that you can win. I must always win. I need to control because I feel so helplessly out of control, but you can’t know that.
You can’t know that okay, you don’t know that about me. I don’t know that about me. I don’t know you and cause I don’t know me. You can’t know me either. No, I won’t let you in to a place that I have yet to gain access to. No, me first.
Who am I? I thought I knew just a minute ago. Then, suddenly nothing felt familiar anymore. Nothing felt okay anymore: nothing felt SAFE anymore – nothing felt as it had before. Why does this happen and what does it mean? What do you mean you don’t know? You are supposed to know. I expect you to know. And if I expect it then I have a right to demand it from you.
Don’t go asking me for anything, NO, it depends how I feel, and what I believe in any given moment…you just never can know cause I never know what I’ll do or say or feel. Every moment changes and shifts from one to the next.
What is real, what is truth, whether or not I think I can take care of myself or what I feel, or right or wrong, from minute to minute changes, so I really just don’t know. I don’t care to know. Don’t bother me about it. Leave me alone, just stay here. And be quiet while you talk to me.
Talk to me silently. Words can hurt. Don’t be too quiet in your silence though, because silence can kill a soul. I know, it killed mine over and over again. Dead, time and time again, risen hopes, only to fall and to die, unanswered, arms outstretched, never reached for, never grasped, arms that hung outstretched while a little girl screamed in terror and fear and had more need than any infant could possibly bear to hold.
Arms…that had to hold themselves, suspended in mid air, left alone, ignored. Arms that would take another 36 years to ever dare to reach out again. So hold me, and rock me - rock me to stillness - gently okay, just don’t touch me really, you know?
Truth, you want to talk truth? Whose truth, yours or mine? Is there a truth between? No, my truth is truth. Your idea of truth is a lie. I don’t lie. If I don’t lie and our truths aren’t the same that makes you a liar.
Does so….just does. If I am right then you are wrong. Yes you are. No I’m not.
If I am good then you are bad if you don’t agree with me and or see things my way. My way isn’t just right; it is the only way. What matters is what I want and need. That’s my truth. And my truth is the truth. Don’t you even try to lie to me, don’t…
I know things but they seem fleeting. What is real and important one minute is fragile and or gone and or misunderstood-misperceived and misinterpreted by me the next minute. I don’t know why?
You were here a minute ago and it mattered. But then you left. While you were gone for three minutes and fifty-four seconds (clock time - forever in my own sense of the reality of time) I forgot that you mattered to me and now I find it incredibly impossible to believe that you could love me and leave me just like that for three minutes and fifty-four seconds…to wait and to suffer like that, alone, isolated and afraid.
Don’t ever do that again. Promise me! Do you have any idea what you put me through? My parents left me like that. It’s not alright for you to just be you and not be me - while I’m being you too. I know things seem fleeting. Things keep changing. I can’t hold anymore than I am whether I am holding anything or not.
You live in a “big picture.” Life, so I am told unfolds in some “big picture” of reality. I live in millions of little pictures. Millions of pieces of reality. Snap shots from the whole, fragmented seconds of minutes that seem to encompass hours. I can’t tell what is going on around me like you do.
No, it does not make sense to me. Part of this picture lined up with part of that one…what am I supposed to see? What can I know from these mixed up jigsaw puzzle messages? I get part of it. I don’t understand the rest. First you seem to make sense, and then you don’t so I get angry and frustrated.
In one part of the picture I care about you but in another part of the picture I remember out of context when you said this or that and then I can’t trust you anymore, or not until the next moment when two picture pieces fit briefly together. This is my experience. So one minute I want you close, from a distance and the next minute I want you distantly-close. This is what is going on inside of me.
I don’t want to hurt you like I do I just don’t know how to make sense of all of these jumbled messages and fragmented pictures that bombard my mind constantly with images and thoughts that do not fit together, not now, not ever, hardly ever anyway. If memories are pictures of the way things were (or the way things are?)then my memories, like strewn screams, echo to a voided-abyss in a cavernous canyon. Imagine all of that sound overlapping itself. Could you hear me then, any better than I can hear you now?
A.J. Mahari recovered from BPD and has many articles like this at https://ajmahari.ca/borderline-personality/ . Also checkout some of her works at https://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/soulebooksales.html
An absolutely brilliant piece of writing about a disorder and how it affected her. If you are in a Borderline relationship you have to try to understand why these things are happening. You see an issue and to you that means X but to your BP it had nothing to do with that, it was because of Y. My ex used to always ask me if I still loved her and of course I answered yes but what I needed to think about was why was she feeling like that? Knowing what I know now I should have answered “of course I do but tell me what makes you think I don’t?”
RESCUE ME? (A borderline mantra)
– John Molvig
So often the demand of the person with Borderline Personality Disorder is – RESCUE ME! Borderlines are seeking the rescue in the here and now that they required in the past. More often than not borderlines seeking to be rescued will manipulate through acting out behavior or through recapitulating past traumatic events, in the here and now. This is a dissociative phenomenon.
In many ways borderlines are very intelligent and capable people – competent. Then suddenly, they are seemingly helpless and in need of rescue. Often the understanding of what is behind the differences in presentation is as much a mystery to the borderline as it is to those around him/her.
Manipulating to be rescued speaks also to the relational style of those with BPD. They will relate like “top dog” one minute and like a total “under dog” the next. There is little to no in between.
The borderline world is made up of polar opposites, of the black and the white. Therefore the borderline is either better than you, stronger than you, above you, or he/she is less than you, weaker than you, beneath you, in his/her perceptions.
The inherent struggle for an autonomy that terrifies the borderline (subconsciously they often become their own worst enemies–their own abusers once removed from their actual past abusers –therefore they do not trust their own autonomy and personal power any more than that of their abusers) sees many a borderline attempt to take personal responsibility only to turn on a dime, dump it and ask someone else to take it, hold it and deal with it.
This is part of seeking to be rescued not only from the past but also from themselves. Add to this that most borderlines (in the early stages of recovery) do not know who they are. This is another scary part of why they are so willing to abdicate to you or anyone else that will take control. But, the second you take control the borderline will balk at that and attempt to win control back. If they get it back they’ll hate that too and throw it back at you.
Borderlines seek to be rescued because emotionally they are still very young. They may intellectually have the where-with-all of an adult but not emotionally.
A big part of shirking one’s own personal responsibility and “collapsing” to be rescued is motivated by the borderline’s inability to hold (deal with and cope with) his/her own feelings, and emotions. Feelings and emotions often give rise to a panic that leaves a borderline feeling very unsafe and unsure and increases his/her overall need to be taken care of.
A borderline will only crave to be rescued until you are seen to pass the rescuing test. Once you commit yourself to engaging this aspect of borderline drama you will find that what you are met with is anger or rage at the prospect that somehow you know better than the borderline does.
In the arena of a borderline seeking to be rescued anyone else in that person’s life will be walking ever so gently on the most maddening eggshells at this point.
If one continues to be manipulated into providing rescue for a borderline not only will that person be confused, hurt and no doubt angry (sooner or later) but the borderline once again gets to side step what is most needed in order to attain some recovery…..the accepting of personal responsibility.
Easy for me to say right now…. not easy for a borderline to read but if you have a borderline in your life the best thing you can do (in the long run) for both yourself and your borderline is NOT engage in any rescuing activity/behavior. This too, of course will be met with rage. You will get rage no matter what you do until the borderline learns to feel what hurts so badly.
If you are borderline and you don’t know how to be alone, or how to feel your own feelings or meet your own needs you are likely engaging somewhere in your life in demanding rescue from others. Clearly, you need to know that this behavior will almost always result in the alienation of that person from you. (sooner or later). Seeking to be rescued is not the answer. You do not need rescue anymore. If you are borderline, what you need is to find yourself and to take care of yourself by yourself.
If you are Borderline and you seek rescue you are not being honest with yourself or with anyone else. Lack of honesty is another thing that drives people away.
A NON BORDERLINE’S – QUEST TO UNDERSTAND BORDERLINES
– John Molvig
1. When a Borderline wakes up in the morning, do they decide they want to be cruel that day or does it just “happen” like a switch coming on?
Interesting question. My answer would be yes, and no. Yes because, in essence all of our behaviour is chosen, but no in the sense that most borderlines (until they reach a certain point of healing – being able to take personal responsibility) truly have no clue emotionally that they are indeed making such choices. Borderlines, when cruel, are usually triggered and experiencing some level or measure of dissociation – thus they heap into a moment with their SO’s for ie, something that has nothing to do with what is truly unfolding in the reality of your shared present reality.
2. Do Borderlines enjoy making us unhappy? Are they jealous of us when they see us happy?
I don’t think so. I know when I was borderline, way back, before I was very aware of others or of my own behaviour and before I learned to take personal responsibility that I really didn’t care how others felt most of the time - unless I “needed” them. I think most around borderlines are experiencing the angst and agony that is very real for those with this personality disorder. They cannot comprehend peace or working together.
In borderline reality if you are right they have to be wrong and if they think you think they are wrong they feel threatened and when they feel threatened (or vulnerable) all the defense mechanisms get turned up to full steam ahead. I think most borderlines care that they make others unhappy but like a small child who just needs and needs and needs and wants and wants and wants – emotionally they just can’t put you ahead of them and so much of the time with borderlines they act as if they are the centre of the universe – narcissistic because if they aren’t the centre they feel invisible which equals powerless and vulnerable.
Many borderlines aren’t jealous. Some may be. Personally, I wasn’t so much jealous as just lost. And when I was borderline and lost I felt vulnerable, it was a trigger and I would feel “less than” and then feel compelled to set out to make the other person feel “less than” so that I could overcompensate for my lack of worth, esteem and competence (emotionally).
For a long time too, I really just didn’t understand happy, so happy would piss me off. I think it was feeling unable to get to happy in the way I would see others and or perceive that others were that most elicited chaotic responses from me in their happy and peaceful times. It was like a fear of the “calm before the storm”. I was always waiting for the “other shoe to drop”. When I’d get tired of waiting I would pull it down on my head so to speak. So my interruptions of others’ happiness was more about me and not so much a jealousy as my own inability to cope. I used to feel “less-than” a happy person.
3. Do Borderlines know they are different from other people? If they do, do they care??
Oh yes, most do know this and most care VERY much. In fact it is this caring that often, sadly, drives them to more outrageous alienating and distancing and or push/pulling behaviour. With the stigma attached to BPD in both the world in general and the mental health profession there is a profound sense of being different and that that different is NOT okay and when a borderline feels “not okay” they again fight to get to the other extreme of all okay. But, to be all okay, they mistakenly believe (out of a lack of emotional maturity) that for them to be okay you can’t be okay.(more black and white stuff).
4. What are some warning signs to detect when a Borderline is in a “bad” mood???
This can vary with each individual borderline I would imagine. For many it is withdrawal, distancing, or push/pull (a combination of distancing and pulling behaviours). For others it may be rages or abusive criticism. Don’t forget that every bad mood that a borderline has they don’t have just because they have a personality disorder.
If I were you I’d be searching to identify if there is anything (in/from your borderline) that is between a good mood and a bad mood. If not, that is a more telling thing than which mood they are in when. If there is no combination ever of the two it is an indication of how polarized their thinking is.
5. Why can’t a Borderline ever say they are sorry? Is it because they don’t think that they have done anything wrong????
Well, here, it’s important to remember not to generalize too much. When I was borderline it seemed I spent half of my life saying I was sorry. I meant it too but was for years unable to change my behaviour so I just kept saying sorry. The issues here are conscience, ability to take personal responsibility and emotional maturity - all of which are severely handicapped when one has BPD until one works through these issues.
There are also those out there, borderline or not, who for whatever reason think that to apologize is weak. Some apologize and mean it. Others never do and don’t care and then other borderlines likely care, and know they’ve done wrong but would feel too vulnerable to say they are sorry - it hinges upon self-trust (or lack thereof)too as to whether or not they can trust someone else with this aspect of their emotional vulnerability or not.
Don’t forget though, 100 apologies, even heart-felt for a behaviour or abuse that continues to go on may be an indication that the person in relationship to the borderline is not taking care of him/herself.
6. How can Borderlines be so mean to those closest to them and nice to others around them?????
Again, often it has to do with triggers. If they have unfinished business with parents – abuse issues etc etc these will continue to play out in any SO relationship until they heal them and get themselves emotionally under control. For many they are putting out what they received as children. I know in my case my parents were pretty bloody mean. A lot of how I ended up treating people in my borderline years was rooted in how I experienced people in my childhood and also in the absence of any healthy relationships.
Borderlines often feel out of control, whether they realize it or not. So they seek to control their environment and or others in it in order to feel in control. Borderlines, until they develop a sense of self, live essentially through others. So if your borderline is living through you and feels out of control, he will try to control you as a way of trying to ease/soothe what ails him/her.
7. What would make a Borderline want to get help??????
In my experience it was pain. It was realizing that I just hurt too much and that I needed to know why and I wanted to try to ease my pain, soothe it and or heal it. Also, I was not okay with hurting people. I hurt many people in my life but I always DID care. I had a strong conscience and once I learned how abusive I was - well - even though I didn’t know who I was (at that point) I did know this was NOT THE REAL ME – it was me recycling out my past. I had a burning desire to find the real me and to be able to be that person.
I think the motivation for each borderline is highly individual for the most part but that there would be a commonality in terms of wanting the pain to stop and of wanting to be able to have healthy relationships/friendships that work.
You cannot manipulate or force or cajole a borderline to get help though. They clearly have to want it themselves.
8. Sometimes when I am “attacked” by my Borderline husband I start to cry. What is the best way to react to him???????
What does he do when you cry? If this escalates his behaviour you may want to do something else for yourself. If he doesn’t react to your crying by behaving more dramatically and you want to cry – cry. You may benefit from looking at why you are crying, what hurts and what you can do about it. You need to take care of yourself and protect yourself emotionally (if not physically as well). It depends upon your boundaries.
Personally, if I were in a relationship with a borderline (which by the way I just wouldn’t do now, no matter what) I would draw a line.
I would let them know that certain behaviour will not be tolerated and that if it happens I’m going to do, a, b, c etc……and stick to it and do it.
For example if he does whatever it is that he does that leaves you crying, you might say, if you do _____________ I will not talk to you for 2 hours. If you do ____________ I will leave the house for 1 hour. If you do ___________ I will ________________.
The point of these boundaries is two-fold.
Firstly, they are for your protection and well-being.
Secondly, borderlines, who often have no boundaries of their own, can benefit from yours and from you clearly imposing limits on what you will and won’t take. (or put up with from them or engage in with them)
9. What is the longest period of time that you went being nice to others around you? Days, weeks????????
That’s hard to say. Much of my life I was not close to anyone. In that time however, I did many things in which I interacted with people, just not intimately. I coached kids in sports and things like that and was able to maintain a competent mature and situationally-appropriate mood. I was nice.
I was a very nice person to most people most of the time. But in terms of primary relationships or even friendships I was likely lucky to get through only days until I had some issue, or trigger come up and anger and feelings of abandonment etc.
Remember part of the BPD diagnosis means clearly that borderlines are not emotionally mature enough – don’t have strong enough ego boundaries and sense of self to relate healthily. That’s just reality. So to expect more than your borderline can do now (without concerted effort in therapy) is unrealistic.
10. I was just “attacked” by my husband, who I know will not apologize for being so cruel. This builds up so much resentment because I know I will be the one to make up to him. The dog licking the hand that beats it syndrome. What is the best way for me to better handle an “attack”?????????
Stop pandering. Stop taking responsibility for what is his and for what he does. Set boundaries in place. Refuse to sit there and be attacked anymore. Take leave. Go to a separate room and lock the door. Leave the house. Do not continue to feed his “stuff” with attention of any kind. If, under these circumstances you think he may get violent than really think about whether or not you should be with him right now at all.
You have rights. You have a right to space and a right to peace. You have a right to feel what you feel and believe what you believe. You have the right to NOT BE ATTACKED.
You have to right to expect him to make right his wrongs (instead of you doing it). Take care of yourself. Be prepared to put yourself, your health, your safety and your sanity ahead of him and your relationship. You cannot control what he thinks feels or what he choose to do but you can control what you do, what you say, what you put up and what you don’t.
11. Do Borderlines really understand “Love” Do they love us? Do they love themselves?”?????????
No. Anyone with BPD, who is without a consistent sense of their own identity and “self” – authentic self as opposed to “false-self”, cannot love themselves at all. They do not know themselves. And that absence of self is the root of so much of borderline pain. Since they cannot love themselves they cannot possibly love anyone else. It may sound simple, but actually this part is simple.
It’s believing it that is so difficult for so many. No, borderlines do not love themselves. Healthy love, for self and for others is a rare thing these days. People, borderline, or not must work hard to learn how to love themselves and others. It takes both parties in any relationship doing that for it to have a healthy chance at health. Any less is just a fallacy and often a very painful dance of co-dependency.
12. Why doesn’t it matter to him when I tell him how much it hurts??”?????????
Likely because your reality is not his. He probably has little to no idea what he is doing or how it affects you. He will likely begin to learn when you put boundaries in place and stop supporting his pathology at every turn. At this point he will have two choices, learn or lose you. I hope that you will ensure that he loses you before you lose yourself.
I hope something I’ve said will be of assistance to you. I do want to point out here too though that what you’ve written just above is “it” in a nut-shell. YOU, do have to help yourself, take care of yourself and ask yourself why you have been (at least up till now) willing to put up with being hurt by the one that is “supposed” to love you? Love is not “supposed to hurt”. Love “should” not tear down. Love “should” build up.
When I was borderline I had no clue. I thought that raging abuse was a legitimate way to show I cared. It was the only way I once knew how. Life has taught me otherwise. Each and every borderline must take personal responsibility to find their own identity from the inside out and to stop trying to meet all of their needs through living through and or manipulating others.
TAKE CARE OF YOU - and ask yourself, what, what is it about this man that you so love? Is he tender? Is he sensitive? Is he an equal partner (emotionally)? Is he a good friend? Is he emotionally available? Is he working toward mutual goals in your relationship/life?
THE BLACK HOLE OF BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER
The black hole of BPD is that abyss in between love and hate – in between consistency and inconsistency. It is that aching, seemingly endless space of dark dingy determined drudgery. It is the piercing-gut-wrenching wind that puts out the flame of so much hope and so much love.
It is the beginning of the end of so many relationship opportunities. It is the end of the beginning of all that is new as it begins to end yet again and again. It is the personification of abandonment. It is the darkness of distance and the loneliness of lacking love.
The black hole of BPD is love sought and lost no matter what the cost. Love begged for and loved chased all in the name of trying to repair the damage of yesterday. It is the essence of the aching allure of love and the nurture that it holds out, precious promise of a chance to heal, a chance to grow, a chance to be re-parented and a chance to learn what you missed back then.
The black hole of BPD is the absence of self. It is the emptiness that echoes endlessly in the cavernous corners of a sobbing soul. It is pain. It is agony. It is stolen youth. It is youth robbed of innocence. This black hole of BPD takes all-comers. It is not discriminating. Whether you have BPD or know someone who does the black hole will gladly open up for you. It will swallow you whole if you let it. Don’t let it.
If you don’t have BPD but care about someone who does have it: Know the difference between love and hate. Know the difference between love and abuse. Know the difference between those with boundaries and respect and those without both.
Know that you deserve more than to be drawn deeply into the bottomless pit of someone else’s needs and wants. Know that you do not have to be a willing hostage. Know that you can only be held captive as long as you participate in your own abduction.
Don’t confuse taking with giving. Do not think that it is appropriate for an adult to be a child. Do not excuse the rage.
Do not accept the anger. Do not allow the acting-out. Insist that there be peace, calm, reason and responsibility. Do not confuse love with need.
The black hole of BPD is wide and deep. It is weak and it is strong. It is depression personified. It is the pit within which combustion can fuel a fire of any size. It is the base of the flame, the match and the kindling. It is mutiny. It is a calm breeze that suddenly become a hurricane.
It is a gentle rain that throws itself into a monsoon. It is a construction zone complete with holes in the road in the absence of caution signs. It is a universe onto itself. A life in parallel to the rest of the world. A world within a world. A painful place to be. A nightmare. Dark.
THE ABANDONMENT ISSUE
The majority of BP’s are not capable of maintaining healthy relationship for many and varying reason. One such reason is abandonment or imagined abandonment. But who actually abandons who?
This depends on the people involved in the marriage/relationship, the circumstances of this relationship unit and the degree of Borderline Personality Disorder that is being experienced. It may be that the partner can not take any more of their BP’s actions and decides that to maintain themselves they must leave.
But it can also be the BP who does the abandoning. To some BP’s they reach a point in their relationship where their partner is getting too close as far as they are concerned and to balance this they “push away” or “act out/act in” to a point where they force their partner to leave.
Other people have experienced where their partner has just up and left, some never to be seen again, others returning in a week, a month, a year. There are so many reasons behind their line of thinking but the main thought is that they believe that they are going to be abandoned anyway – so get in first and the pain will be less.
I would like to quote a passage from (A.J. Mahari) who has recovered from BPD and runs what I consider to be the most successful and helpful site in America for BP’s (with many Non’s reading her articles with interest, gaining a lot of understanding to their missing why’s). AJ wrote –
My experience with abandonment taught me that it was better to abandon others before they could abandon me. I lived like that for quite some time. It is a painful place to be. It is a place of illusion. The illusion being that one thinks if they abandon the other first it won’t hurt like being abandon.
The truth is that when any relationship or friendship ends or is abandoned or withdrawn from it hurts, whether you are the one ending it or not. Borderlines often don’t understand this. They look at everything as black and white, right and wrong. What hurts is black and wrong and what feels better is right and white.
If it hurts at all to relate to you right now, then a borderline will thrust or project that hurt out on the nearest person they are relating to/with and push away, withdraw and or both thinking that this gives them “control”. The belief that to operate this way is “control” is the biggest illusion of all. Often the borderline withdraws, stops relating, ends friendships etc quickly and without explaining anything - often they don’t understand this behaviour themselves and then isolates.
Once in this place of isolation they rarely if ever go back because they simply don’t know that they have that option (in the cases where the option might apply - ie a friendship– not yet dead, or a relationship with a relative). Once you get put in the black-bad category you are then split - gone, cease to exist or you are gone and become the running focus of the isolating Borderline’s anger pretty much unceasingly.
Borderlines, having been damaged in a way that stunts their emotional growth, until they repair the damage, are often very emotionally immature. They cannot relate age-appropriately. They will not likely be “adult” in terms of taking responsibility and so forth. Therefore, it is only natural to assume - realize that borderlines do not know how to love.
They are unaware of who they are. Therefore they cannot love themselves. Anyone who does not know, love and respect “themself” cannot respect and love any “other”. If you are a non-borderline be careful that you are not locked into some pattern of unrealistic expectations of a borderline. Unless they are actively involved in therapy and recovery you are more likely to get hurt severely than you are to be loved.
Who abandons who? I think it would be easier for me to answer “how long is a piece of string?” because it depends on so many, many, many pieces to both sides of the puzzle.
Helpful link – http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/
Helpful Book: I Hate You – Don’t Leave Me! By Jerold J. Kreisman, M.D., Hal Straus, Jerold J. Kriesman
ABUSE AND BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER
– John Molvig
One of the ways Borderline Personality Disorder manifests is in relationship dysfunction’s. Partners of people with BPD are often verbally or emotionally abused by the person who has BPD.
Some people with BPD may disassociate during rages; they will honestly not remember the emotional abuse they dish out. Other people with BPD deny having been abusive; inability to accept responsibility for their actions and behavior is a common attribute of BPD.
ABUSE WITHIN THE BPD/NONBPD DYNAMIC
– John Molvig
Many of those involved in relationships with some one who has BPD or traits of the disorder, have difficulty in prioritizing their own safety over the needs of others. It’s hard when you’re living with the craziness and chaos of the disorder to think clearly and to know if what you’re experiencing is abusive.
It’s a normal pattern for Non’s to make excuses for those they care about, to minimize the abusive behavior and make it less ugly, demeaning, or damaging than it truly is. To help understand what abuse is, please read the following and answer honestly if these describe your relationship.
CARING FOR THE CARER
You will find that a person with a Personality Disorder will be quite draining and frustrating and one thing you must have is your OWN support system. Because the person you care for does not have the skills to care for themselves let alone you. Sure they will pass emotions across to you, show affection but the last thing on their mind is to truly and deeply care for you.
They can’t. They have too many negative thoughts on low self esteem (so why does he like me?), fears of being left alone (he’ll leave me one day), no self respect for themselves so why you, they lack social support (so why should you get some), distortions in cognition and sense of self generally leads to no long term goals with work, friends, relationship and values (therefore why care).
BOUNDARIES
These are just a few examples of unhealthy thoughts or beliefs which allow boundaries to be ignored or violated. Following each unhealthy belief is a more healthy, rational, realistic, reality-based affirmation for healthy boundary building.
Unhealthy Boundary: I can never say “no” to others.
Healthy Boundary: I have a right to say “no” to others if it is an invasion of my space or a violation of my rights.
Unhealthy Boundary: It is my duty to hold them together.
Healthy Boundary: I have a right to take care of myself. If they want to stay together as a family or group, it is up to each individual to make such a decision. They all have equal responsibility to create the interdependency needed to keep us a united group.
Unhealthy Boundary: I can never trust anyone again.
Healthy Boundary: I have a right to take the risk to grow in my relationships with others. If I find my space or rights are being violated or ignored, I can assertively protect myself to ensure I am not hurt.
Unhealthy Boundary: I would feel guilty if I did something on my own and left my family or group out of it.
Healthy Boundary: I have the right and need to do things which are uniquely mine so that I do not become so overly enmeshed with others that I lose my identity.
Unhealthy Boundary: I should do everything I can to spend as much time together with you or else we won’t be a healthy family or group.
Healthy Boundary: I have a right and a need to explore my own interests, hobbies, and outlets so that I can bring back to this family or group my unique personality to enrich our lives rather than be lost in a closed and over enmeshed system.
Unhealthy Boundary: It doesn’t matter what they are doing to me. As long as I keep quiet and don’t complain, they will eventually leave me alone.
Healthy Boundary: I will never again allow my space and rights to be violated. I will stand up for myself and assert my rights to be respected and not hurt or violated. If they choose to ignore me, then I have the right to leave them or ask them to get out of my life.
Unhealthy Boundary: As long as I am not seen or heard, I won’t be violated or hurt.
Healthy Boundary: I have a right to be visible and to be seen and heard. I will stand up for myself so that others can learn to respect my rights, my needs, and not violate my space.
Unhealthy Boundary: I’d rather not pay attention to what is happening to me in this relationship which is overly intrusive, smothering and violating my privacy. In this way I don’t have to feel the pain and hurt that comes from such a violation.
Healthy Boundary: I choose no longer to disassociate from my feelings when I am being treated in a negatively painful way so that I can be aware of what is happening to me and assertively protect myself from further violation or hurt.
Unhealthy Boundary: I’ve been hurt badly in the past and I will never let anyone in close enough to hurt me again. Healthy Boundary: I do not need to be cold and distant or aloof and shy as protective tools to avoid being hurt. I choose to open myself up to others trusting that I will be assertive to protect my rights and privacy from being violated.
Unhealthy Boundary: I can never tell where to draw the line with others.
Healthy Boundary: There is a line I have drawn over which I do not allow others to cross. This line ensures me my uniqueness, autonomy, and privacy. I am able to be me the way I really am rather than the way people want me to be by drawing this line. By this line I let others know: this is who I am and where I begin and you end; this is who you are and where you begin and I end; we will never cross over this line so that we can maintain a healthy relationship with one another.
SETTING BOUNDARIES
A boundary can be defined as (1) the limits that mark off the self from the object (or other person). (2) Boundary has also been used to refer to the invisible line that separates the participants in a relationship and allows each to maintain a separate identity and to fulfill the obligations and responsibilities that are implicitly or explicitly understood as being part of his/her role.
Boundary violations refer to stepping over that invisible line, such as the one that separates the professional from the client or the physician from the patient, using the power imbalance between therapist and patient to exploit the patient.
BOUNDARIES
I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries this month because they have always been a difficult issue for Bob and me. I suspect it is for all trauma survivors and their families. Bob seemed to me to have walls that shut me out, and I didn’t seem to have any boundaries in either direction. When we disagreed about something, he thought I was saying that he was crazy, and I always thought he was being deliberately bad (because I was always right). Our boundary problems led to a lot of pain.
For trauma survivors developing healthy boundaries is important. Often in the most literal physical sense, trauma is a boundary violation: the bullet entered your body, the fist hit your face. Recovering the sense of your rights over your body, that it is safe to be in your body in this world, can be a monumental task.
Family members can also have difficulty with boundaries, as can therapists. This shows up as efforts to fix people because we need other people to be fine to prove our worth. I used to let Bob’s actions and feelings control how I felt about myself. (If Bob was depressed it meant I was a bad wife, not that he’d been through a lot in Vietnam).
I invaded his boundaries by trying to control his actions and feelings to “fix” him. (Don’t be sad.) Boundary violations were my way of life. Therapists and people in 12 Step programs who tell you you don’t need whatever (usually whatever they are not doing, therapy or program) are having a boundary problem.
Only you can know what helps you, and you can only find out by experience. Experience is how one develops boundaries and a sense of self. Many of us have never seen a healthy example of boundaries.
Unhealthy Boundaries:
Too Weak: when you become enmeshed in someone else’s life and wind up feeling what they feel, doing what they do, and not being you, you have weak boundaries. Under traumatic conditions, however, that can be a survival skill. Many combat vets could read each other like a book. Hyperalertness to each other kept them alive.
Traumatic bonding between abuser and abused is also a survival skill. Reading the emotions of the abuser and becoming what they want you to be can save your life. It also carries a great price. Being able to sense others’ moods is helpful in relationships, but always being what someone else wants you to be (the woman who doesn’t mind if he gets drunk/ the guy who will do anything for his wife) is a form of dishonesty which prevents real intimacy.
No one can be intimate with someone who doesn’t know what s/he feels, wants, likes or dislikes, or who can’t be honest about it, even though such dishonesty developed as a survivor skill.
The weak boundary experienced by survivors who are endlessly triggered because they are so open to sensing danger is a very painful state of affairs. What’s outside you controls your inside. Avoiding triggers is helpful, but developing boundaries so things don’t set you off is part of recovery.
Furthermore, another safety issue is that hyperalertness can lead you to reading danger into a situation where it doesn’t exist, causing unnecessary defensiveness or even violence.
Too strong: Walls don’t make you safe either. When you hear about the sexual abuse survivor who gets raped by some guy she met in a bar, realize that her wall of numbness prevented her from reading the danger signs. She’s not dumb, she’s numb. If his buddies died, a veteran may try never to care for anyone again, putting up walls which prevent him from getting the support he needs to heal.
Although aggression (yelling, bossing, rejecting) or isolation (putting up a wall, or simply not being around others) are the usual forms of too-strong boundary, during prolonged inescapable abuse dissociation can be a way of creating a boundary in order to survive. Denial, too, can serve as a boundary (didn’t happen/didn’t affect me).
So can compulsive behaviors like alcoholism or relationship addiction. Overeating puts up a wall of fat to keep others out. (At the other extreme, the person who always wears skintight clothes may be sending an unconscious message, “I have no boundaries.”) Reality keeps breaking through this kind of boundary, sometimes traumatically.
Putting up a wall of numbness or anger can lead you to be abusive because if it “didn’t bother me,” you may be unable to perceive how it could bother someone else. You can’t tell that you are hurting them (or that your numbness is evidence that it did bother you).
Overly strong boundaries require a lot of effort to maintain. Nothing affects you but nothing can get through to help you either. Lots of survivors alternate between weak and too strong boundaries, getting close and then cutting people off, or trusting no one and then quickly becoming totally enmeshed.
Healthy boundaries: Ideally human beings have healthy boundaries that are like the semi-permeable membrane that surrounds a cell. Boundaries allow you to let out bad feelings so you don’t drown in your own waste products. They close to protect you from harm, but they open to let good things through. They allow you to give and receive support, become really close at times (like during lovemaking or intimate conversations or quiet cuddling) yet operate independently at other times. Healthy interdependence is the result.
For me it has been important to recognize that small actions taken one day at a time will help me recover, while great resolutions to change completely and forever (I’ll never do that again!) have been both futile and led me to self hatred (What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I change?)
So here is a bunch of suggested small actions to help strengthen your sense of self, and your respect for and knowledge of yourself, and your ability to accept others because you have boundaries. Take what you like and leave the rest. This works if you are a survivor, family member, or therapist.
Pause Button: Visualize a pause button when something upsets you and take a moment to pick out an action that might help you rather than reacting in the same old way. Here are a few actions you can take:
Locating yourself in the here and now: When you are struggling with intrusive PTSD symptoms, it can be very valuable to write out on a 3×5 card an appropriate statement for you to read and say over and over:
“I am________. I’m ____ years old. I am in ________ and no one here wants to hurt me.” Add to this whatever affirmations are helpful. I need to feel this pain so I can let it go. It’s okay if I make mistakes. Having it written out and in your pocket can be a lifesaver. I works best if you pull it out and read and say it till you get relief.
Using the word “I:” People often say “You make me feel…” or “That made me feel…” One of the smallest most empowering changes you can make in your thinking is to use the word “I” when you talk about yourself. Replace “you made” or “that made”, which is giving away your power, with the words, “I feel…” Even if you feel other people do make you feel good or bad, just phrase it differently. Say “I feel _____when you_______.” Eventually this new way of talking will strengthen your boundaries. Your perspective on your feelings will shift. You may even feel you have more power over what you feel.
Using the word “I” when talking about yourself can also change your perspective. Many of us habitually use generalities, say “You want to be nice,” when what we mean is “I want to be nice.” or “You don’t want/need that,” when what we mean is “I don’t want you to want/need that.” Using “I” really made me think! Today I prefer to say what I mean. It helps me to know myself better and see if I’m in your business.
Separating my feelings from yours: When someone else’s mood controls yours, it means your boundaries need strengthening. Automatically reacting is a lot of work. Identifying it is the beginning of healing. How? Ask yourself is this my feeling or his/hers? If it is not your feeling say to yourself, “I am not whatever. S/he is whatever, (depressed, angry, numb). Or say “I’m me, and I don’t have to feel what s/he feels or think what s/he thinks.”
A simple but effective technique is to keep repeating it to yourself. This seems awkward and stupid at first but it really helps over the long haul. These phrases block the emotion and remind you that you are separate from others. Visualize a boundary if it helps, a fence between your garden and his or hers.
When you can separate what you feel from what others feel, you will find yourself more able to tolerate other peoples’ bad feelings, even sympathize, because they will not longer control how you feel. Letting other people feel what they feel (acceptance) is a big part of intimacy. Learning to have a good day when those around you are having a bad one lifts the burden off them of ruining your day.
Another thing that helps me is to visualize a glass globe separating me from another’s emotions. When someone picks on me, sneers at me, says something painful, I see the words hit the glass, but they bounce back because, it’s their problem, opinion, attitude. I might want to examine it, but I don’t have to take it in as the truth about me, nor even react to it, because I have healthy boundaries. Criticism becomes not at all devastating, just information I may or may not find interesting or useful
Another technique is active listening which I discuss in Recovering From The War. By listening to others and reflecting back what they say, you practice having a boundary with them and you sharpen your perception of the difference between you and them. It’s a self correcting process, too.
When you listen and hear it wrong, they tell you! You can see how you hear things as opposed to what they actually said. It’s really interesting. Learning to actively listen takes a lot of practice. We’re usually composing an answer before the other person it through speaking, (which is not listening).
Survivors have trouble listening, too, because stuff seems so petty or because they have trouble concentrating, a symptom of PTSD. Active listening helps with concentration by focusing you on what the other person is saying, because you are going to paraphrase it : “I’m so angry! My boss moved my desk to where I can’t see out the window.” Old pattern: “So what!” (minimizing) or “So quit!” (solution) both of which lead to an argument.
Active listening: “He really pissed you off!” As you identify the other person’s feeling (confirming the boundary) they feel heard and supported and you get practice in healthy boundaries. It’s the same when a trauma survivor expresses pain. Instead of saying, “Get over it,” learn to paraphrase. Recently a WWII vet was telling me some of his experiences and my paraphrase was, “you really went through hell,” which was exactly what he was trying to tell me.
Trauma survivors need to be able to have and tolerate painful feelings because they are normal when you’ve been traumatized. They are also evidence of what you’ve been through. Your family, friends and therapists need to respect that and learn to tolerate them, too. As they develop healthier boundaries, your bad days won’t ruin their days.
Tolerating painful feelings instead of running from them eventually leads to healing (see the HEALS acronym in V2, N2). By tolerating a feeling, I mean actually feeling it for a short period. HEALS means flashing the letters “Healing” in your mind, which is a good pause button.
Explain to yourself what you are feeling and feel it for about 30 seconds. Apply self compassion, Love yourself, and then Solve the problem. Feel the feeling without necessarily believing rhat the feeling reflects reality. I may feel hurt, but that doesn’t mean someone meant to hurt me. I may feel guilty, but that doesn’t mean I am: it may just be something I’m used to feeling. Most of us were brought up on large doses of guilt.
Identifying what you feel is another way of working on your boundaries. Keeping a list of feelings written down on paper is a good way to start identifying your feelings. Pull it out and look at it if you are having trouble identifying what you feel.
You can also start a journal entry describing your immediate reaction (I’m feeling tense… I just yelled at someone…) and look at when you’ve felt that way before (the strength of many feelings comes from a different time zone, often the time of your trauma or childhood) or what that action has been caused by in the past (usually when I’m yelling it’s because I’m afraid I won’t get some need met. What need am I afraid about now?). This kind of examination can become a very useful habit.
Many trauma survivors are angry and defensive. These feelings are a natural result of having one’s boundaries violated. Anger may have saved your life. People who are defensive have healthy fear behind it. However when the traumatic situation is long gone, anger and defensiveness can linger and hurt relationships, leaving you without community or love. Behind anger and defensiveness, there are painful feelings needing to be felt. Stifle them long enough and they blow a hole in your wall, shrapnel hits those you care for, and you feel so bad you retreat behind the wall determined to make it thicker.
It’s better to work on making it healthier rather than thicker.
We all hate to be told we’re angry. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said “I AM NOT ANGRY,” while smoke was probably coming out of my ears. Ditto defensiveness. “Yes, but-” is my clue there. You may have others like black and white thinking (You’re either for me or against me).
It can help to identify the physical part in your body where you feel: for instance some angry people grind their teeth or clench their jaw or sigh a lot, so if you have trouble knowing when you are getting angry check you body for physical signs or ask your family and friends how they know when you are mad.
You may feel fear as a churning stomach. I feel it as total numbness, so whenever I can’t feel anything, I know I’m scared. Then I write about the fear till I can feel it, and it passes.
Developing a healthy boundary can also help you sort out feelings. You feel pain because of the trauma you were involved in (combat, battered wife, house fire.) That is your right. You don’t have to be over it no matter what someone says. It is okay to be in pain. You can feel the pain at your own rate and it will pass.
If you feel shame at having been hurt, you can feel it without believing it. You can visualize yourself handing that shame back to your abuser. You may have to do that many times in your head before it becomes part of your boundary, but you didn’t cause your abuse, you didn’t want it, and you didn’t deserve it, whatever anyone says.
Learning who you are: For people who don’t think they have the right to be, much less be themselves, deepening your sense of self is an important part of recovery. Start writing a list with the heading: I like….
Start one with Things I might like… Trying new things to see if you like them is one way to get to know yourself. This can be as simple as changing the radio station you usually listen to, driving a new route to work, trying a new food. You can also keep a list of Things I don’t like. Trying something and not liking it is good. It means you are not afraid to make mistakes and be human. These lists may change with time. Good. It means you are growing.
Other ways of finding out more about who you are include working the 12 Steps especially the written ones (4 and 10), getting into therapy, keeping a journal, or working some sort of recovery book. My experience has been that I do better when I have support. If you start to work a recovery book and become overwhelmed, get help. We weren’t meant to handle either trauma or the effects of living with someone who has PTSD alone.
Another way to start working on boundaries is to figure out who owns the problem? If Bob is depressed because of his experiences in Vietnam, he owns the problem. If I cannot tolerate his depression and insist on trying to fix him, I have made it my problem.
I’m violating his boundaries and making work for myself. I need to detach and let him have his problem. The work I need to do is on becoming able to tolerate his feelings, not either adopt them (getting as depressed as he is or more) nor try to change them.
There are 22 readings on detachment in the Alanon One Day at a Time, (available from Al-Anon Family Groups, 1600 Corporate Landing Parkway, Virginia Beach, VA, 23462). When I was first learning to detach, I read all 22 every day for weeks. Loving detachment isn’t ignoring someone. It is listening without adopting or fixing the problem. Practice detachment and you practice boundaries.
Many people, especially men, are solution oriented (giving solutions violates boundaries, by the way, unless the person has said “What should I do?”). People who have a problem want you to listen to it and say “that must be hard for you,” not “Do this. Do that.”
Each time a person with a boundary problem listens to someone else’s problem without trying to ignore or fix it, he or she is strengthening his or her sense of self and increasing his or her tolerance for other people’s emotions instead of avoiding them, i.e. growing boundaries!
Saying no: Another step in developing boundaries is learning to say no to others and learning to accept no. For trauma survivors, being able to say no to activities that might trigger them is important. As part of learning what you like, saying no to things you don’t like is important even if you’ve always said yes before.
Screaming no is a sign that you don’t yet feel you have the right to say it. As time passes and your boundaries strengthen, you’ll be able to say it politely because you will know inside that you do have the right to say no. Other people do to. Today I can accept no for an answer because it is no longer proof of my worthlessness but simply that person setting his or her limits.
Saying yes: Once you can say no, you can also begin to say yes for healthy reasons. You may say yes to things you’d like to do but have been afraid to try. You may say yes to people who ask you to do things because you would like to do them and can do them for free and for fun (not because you should or for a payback). You may even say yes to some things you don’t necessarily want to do but are willing to do because they fit your values and help you be the kind of person you want to be (not they want you to be-not people pleasing).
Asking for what you want: once you have more of an idea of who you are, what you feel, what you like, you can ask for what you want. This stops a lot of people because they feel that if they don’t get what they want it was all for nothing. That’s where the phrase “do the footwork and turn the results over” helps me. Asking early and asking often, so that saying no is okay, also helped me. I used to only ask when I was desperate so it wasn’t a request. It was a demand.
Today I do not have to have other people do what I want. I ask for what I want, but I don’t have to get it, because someone else’s behavior is not a reflection of my worth. The fact that they don’t do what I want probably has nothing to do with me. It has to do with their issues, because they are separate from me, and I am not central to their lives like I am to mine. (I can trust that they are human and are going to put their interests before mine.)
By the way, when I haven’t gotten people to do what I wanted, things have often turned out better than anything I could have imagined.
Perfectionism: Once I learned I stop at my skin, I learned to accept myself and to believe that I was okay even if I wasn’t perfect. I’m just me. You are you. When I could accept me, I could accept you and begin to stop trying to violate your boundaries to make you perfect. Perfectionism and healthy boundaries are not compatible.
Perfectionism is another big issue for trauma survivors who may feel if they had just been good enough or done it right, the trauma wouldn’t have happened. So they try to be perfect or to raise perfect kids. Another variation is the trauma survivor who says it didn’t affect him or her but is heavily invested in proving it by being perfect and having a perfect family.
When I’m violating you to make you perfect I do not have healthy boundaries. If I’m letting you violate me to make me perfect, I don’t have them either. With boundaries, I can set limits, say no, have and express my own opinions, keep out of other people’s business, especially business between two other members of my family (no triangulating), learn who I am, and let other people be and grow.
Physical boundaries: No one has the right to touch you or your stuff without permission. “Please don’t touch me,” is a perfectly polite statement and no explanation is required. “Why not?” on the other hand is rude and intrusive.
Physical boundaries also include having your own space. After being very close one way to return to normal boundaries without quarreling is to simply go do something in a different part of the house from your partner.
You don’t have the right to touch others or their things without permission unless you are a parent pulling your kid out of harm’s way. Please don’t take it personally if someone doesn’t want a hug. You don’t know what they’ve been through. Please don’t make your kids hug you or anyone else.
You set them up for abuse that way. Please don’t hit them either. It makes them hyperactive and confuses love and violence in their minds. Try to see what the child needs that s/he isn’t getting and meet that need directly. It is usually attention. If you fail and spank, don’t give up. You can always say you made a mistake because you are human and you are sorry and start over again the next minute. This sets a good example that no one is perfect.
Spiritual boundaries: One of the worst forms of abuse is spiritual abuse. True spirituality is something you find for yourself not something that is thrust down your throat along with a bunch of rules. No one has the right to tell you what to believe. Different people need different answers. I think that’s why there are so many different spiritual and religious paths.
Not because one is right and the others wrong, but because they all have something that someone needs. I have no argument with someone who says “X is the answer that works for me.” Someone who says “X is the answer for everyone,” doesn’t have good boundaries. They usually want your money too.
For years, I practiced my boundaries by writing out the Serenity Prayer every morning: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (I wrote in people, places, and things that were bothering me), the courage to change the things I can (I wrote in “my own actions, reactions, perceptions, what I’ll put up with”), and the wisdom to know the difference.
The wisdom (and the willingness) to know the difference comes with practice. The courage to change the things I can showed me what was inside my boundary; accepting the things I can’t showed me what was outside my boundary. Seeking a higher power also helps with boundaries. If I’m playing God of course I have no boundaries, but if I’m not God then I am finite and do have boundaries. Accepting help from others and learning to take what I like and leave the rest strengthened my boundaries, too. When I thought we all had to think and be alike, I didn’t have boundaries. Today I do.
Living with healthy boundaries is far easier than living without them. I am no longer the prey of emotions that fluctuate with every outside influence. Sometimes I get more reactive, but I know I don’t have to continue to react. I call it recycling. I choose to use the tools I’ve learned to change my reactions by taking new actions.
I don’t give up when my old patterns come back. I look inside to see what’s going on with me. If you find yourself saying “I should be over this,” let go of that perfectionism and black and white thinking, get out your feelings list and your journal, figure out whose problem it is, practice your boundaries. It’s another opportunity to grow.
From Issue 8 of the Post-Traumatic Gazette ©1996 by Patience H. C. Mason. All rights reserved, except that permission is hereby granted to freely reproduce and distribute this document, provided the text is reproduced unaltered and entire (including this notice) and is distributed free of charge.
WAYS YOU CAN DENY YOUR TRUE SELF AND WEAKEN YOUR EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES
– Elyce Benham
SET: Support, Empathy and Truth
Support – Invokes a personal statement of concern. The emphasis is on YOUR feelings for the BP and is conveying a personal pledge to try to be of assistance. When responding show them your support for them. Tell them you are supporting them. “I am truly worried about how you are feeling”
Empathy – is where you acknowledge their feelings (not yours). It is important not to confuse empathy – “How awful you must be feeling…” with sympathy – “I feel so sorry for you”. BP’s are not looking for sympathy, they need people to understand what they are feeling.
Truth – emphasizes that the BP is ultimately responsible for their life. No one else can be responsible for them or their actions. Truth statements show recognition that a problem exists and address the issue of what can be done. But they should be stated in a way that avoids blaming/punishing.
State it like it is. DO NOT say things to make it sound nice just to agree with them if you don’t. State things as you see it and give them some basis to make a decision on – “Here’s what happened……these are the consequences of your actions………..This is what I can do……..What are you going to do?”
Include Set principles in your communications and you will be amazed with the results. However, it is just important to ensure that the BP heard all three elements. For example, if the Support stage is bypassed or not heard then the BP will think that you don’t care or that you do not want to be involved with them.
Or if the empathy stage is bypassed or not heard then the BP will think that you just don’t understand what the BP is going through. If Support or Empathy is bypassed or not heard then further communications are just not heard by them.
If the Truth stage is bypassed or not heard then a more dangerous situation emerges. This lack of Truth confirms to the BP that others can be responsible for them and that their perception of the situation is shared and supported.
SET – Support, Empathy, Trust
Extracts from “I Hate you – Don’t Leave Me” by Jerold J. Kreisman & Hal Straus
GRIEVING – DEATH OF THE DREAM
“Boy meets girl, it’s a delicate thing – so much time spent wondering if what you see is what you get…” – from a popular country western song.
Relationships with people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are unsettling and upsetting in many ways. Perhaps the most unsettling experience of all, however, is when the “Non” (person in the relationship who does not suffer from BPD) begins to discover that the person they think they love bears little or no actual resemblance to the person they are actually living with!
BP BELIEF SYSTEMS
What I’ve come to discover is one of the biggest things at the core of the problems with BPD is a shattered belief system. Belief systems are very powerful and shape who we are and how we behave. If a person believes with every fiber of his being he will succeed, their belief system will cause them to behave and make choices which support that. With each small success, he has the ‘proof’ of that belief and they continue on to the next proving ground, now armed with a much stronger belief system.
CAN A NON-BORDERLINE HELP A BORDERLINE?
I added this article as it had such an impact on me when I first read it. I sort of went through the grieving process over this article – I denied what the content was saying, I got angry over some of her conclusions but then it dawned on me that A.J has recovered from this disorder and she was speaking from a BP perspective. A perspective that was hard to accept, let alone follow. I have included a lot of A.J’s writings on the site as she gives an understanding that most Non’s battle with. I hope you find this, and the rest of her articles, helpful.
SUPPORTING A SELF-INJURER
Someone you care about has honored you by trusting you with information about their self-injury, or maybe you’ve inadvertently discovered it. Regardless of how you found out, you know about it now, and you can’t pretend it away - you have to respond in some way. Here are some guidelines for dealing with SI in a friend or family member.
YOUR HEALTH & FITNESS TIPS
– John Molvig
RIDING THE VICTORIAN HIGH COUNTRY
Day 1 – After a hearty breakfast, make an early start through the Howqua Valley, passing historic gold mining areas and wade the Howqua River many times as we criss-cross our way up the bridle tracks, cut by our early Pioneers, until we reached Six Mile Flat where a buffet lunch was waiting. Following a bit of a rest for you know what, we crossed the Howqua river again and again.
The scenery was absolutely brilliant. There was enough places to get your trusty steed into a gallop and for the adventurous there were many fallen trees to jump.
We reached Ritchie’s Hut, (the location for the first episode of A River Somewhere) and take 15 minutes to soak up the peaceful scenery before continuing on to Pike’s Flat. Tonight we camped out under the stars and white gums being lulled to sleep by the river gurgling nearby.
Day 2 – Up and at em. Saddle up your steed and back into the saddle (gently) as we made the 3,000 foot climb up the Sixteen Mile Spur to the Bluff, passing through glades of mountain ash and fern filled gullies. On reaching the Bluff Hut we had lunch then continue on to explore the magnificence of Bluff End in the afternoon.
We returned to the Bluff Hut (the mustering hut on the High Plains) that night to relax in front of the camp fire and hear the stories of the wild mountain man/beast the ‘Oona Poona’ and the still unsolved Wonnangatta Murders.
Day 3 – It was up and at em nice and slowly this morning as a part of the anatomy was feeling a tad sore. We rode back to Stockyard, down the Sixteen Mile Spur and along the river…. You could feel the pace pick up as the horses sense the change of direction and head for home!
Some soon found out where the saying “like a horse heading home” came from. Again there was plenty of opportunities to blow away the cobwebs as we cantered along the river. As this sensational ride came to an end many of us had the feeling of what our ancestors did many, many years ago. It is an experience that has to be experienced. The Victorian High Country is a spectacular and the people up there are just the best.
Due to the amazing increases in insurance premiums Stoney’s has had to shut their doors trail and horse back riding. No longer can we join in the annual muster ride or weekend rides in to Victoria’s spectacular High Country.
RELAXATION
It is impossible to feel relaxed and tense at the same time. People who live with high levels of anxiety often do not know how to relax or to release the tension stored in their muscles that is contributing to the experience of anxiety. The best relaxation that makes a difference in dealing with anxiety is the regular, daily practice of some form of deep relaxation. Deep relaxation involves a number of physiological changes including:
Decreases in heart rate
Decrease in respiration rate Decrease in blood pressure Decreases in skeletal muscle tension Decrease in metabolic rate and oxygen consumption Decrease in analytical thinking Increase in skin resistance
It is suggested that regular practice of deep relaxation for 20 – 30 minutes on a daily basis can produce, over time, a general feeling of relaxation to the rest of your life. Most people notice that after practicing deep relaxation once per day for several weeks, they tend to feel more relaxed all the time.
OTHER BENEFITS OF DEEP RELAXATION INCLUDE:
Reduction of generalised anxiety Reduction of frequency and severity of panic attacks Prevention of stress becoming cumulative Increased energy and productivity. Improved concentration and memory Increase in ability to focus Reduction of insomnia and fatigue Deeper and sounder sleep Prevention and or reduction of psychosomatic disorders such as hypertension, migraines, headaches, asthma, ulcers etc. Increased self confidence and reduced self blame Increased availability of feelings. Muscle tension is one of the chief impediments to an awareness of your feelings.
HOW DO YOU ACHIEVE A STATE OF DEEP RELAXATION?
Correct abdominal breathing Progressive muscle relaxation techniques Meditation
PROGRESSIVE MUSCLE RELAXATION TECHNIQUE
Progressive Muscle Relaxation is a technique for achieving a deep state of relaxation. Tensing a muscle and holding it for a few seconds, then releasing that tension will produce a deep sense of relaxation, and will rid the body of the built up tension from living with high levels of anxiety on a daily basis.
GUIDELINES
Practice for at least 20 minutes per day Find a quiet location free from distraction Ensure the room temperature is comfortable – not too hot, and not too cold Practice at regular times – on awakening or before retiring or before meals Practice on an empty stomach Assume a comfortable position – your entire body needs to be supported Loosen any tight clothing and take off shoes Make a decision not to worry about anything Assume a passive, detached attitude
TECHNIQUE
Progressive muscle relaxation involves tensing and relaxing, in succession, sixteen different muscle groups of the body (Right foot, Right lower leg and foot, Entire right leg, Left foot, Left lower leg and foot, Entire left leg, Right hand, Right forearm and hand , Entire right arm, Left hand, Left forearm and hand, Entire left arm, Face, Neck and shoulders, Abdomen and Chest). The idea is to tense each muscle group hard for about 10 seconds, and then to let go of it suddenly. You then give yourself 15 – 20 seconds to relax, noticing how the muscle group feels when relaxed in contrast to how it felt when tensed, before going on to the next muscle group. Often it is helpful to have some quiet, gentle music in the background.
DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF.
A while ago I took a drive along the Great Ocean Road (Victoria) into one of my State’s most beautiful beach resort areas. The drive itself is absolutely breathtaking but the best was yet to come. I must admit the indulgence and reason for the few days away had disappeared but on arrival at my destination everything changed. I had booked a few days at a resort that specializes in ‘pampering weekends’ and it was the most relaxing yet exhilarating experience I have ever felt.
Everything about this resort oozed relaxation and you were immediately enveloped in the feeling. Walks in the hinterland, body massages, aromatheraphy spas, mud and herbal body wraps, facials, mud baths, floatation tanks and of course the beach across the road. Not only was all of this available but your normal resort facilities of tennis, pool, spa, sauna and of course the ultimate in comfortable rooms. All of this was intermixed with good food, relaxed surroundings and the most beautiful hamper for that magnificent walk into the woods. The mind and body was in need of pampering and pampered they certainly were.
The resort had so many other options from facials, to body wrap of natural seaweed with essential oils that stimulate, detoxify and firm your body. You name it and they knew how to pamper you. I can honestly say that I have never experienced anything like this before in my life.
If dealing with BPD has thrown your life into chaos and you feel like the body and mind is in need of some attention, then I definitely say to you to look for a resort that pampers with perfection. It’s well worth it. Three days for me was sheer heaven and the drive back up the Great Ocean Road was totally different to the drive down there. You are the most important person because without you functioning properly you cannot support or care for anyone else. You deserve some time out to be pampered.
Looking after you. What were the things you enjoyed and that you are no longer doing. Re-gain those things in your life that you enjoyed doing. Ask yourself when was the last time:
You went to bed early?
Grabbed a blanket, some food and went to the park?
Spent a day at the art gallery or Musuem?
Went for a drive and had a picnic lunch?
Walked by the river or beach?
Went to a restaurant that you have never eaten at before?
Just went for a walk?
Pulled all the weeds in your garden?
Got the roller blades out?
Dusted the cobwebs off the bike?
Went horse riding?
Caught public transport into the city?
Went to a local suburban theatre presentation?
Strolled around the local craft market?
Got involved in local issues – garden day, clean up day etc?
Went to Luna Park just for a laugh?
Met friends for Sunday morning breakfast?
Having coffee with a friend you haven’t seen for ages?
Ringing a friend that you haven’t spoken to for a while?
Had a family and friends around for a Bar-B-Q?
Sitting on the beach at 2am looking at the stars and listening to the waves?
Had a ‘Debate Night’ dinner party for eight where a topic of interest is discussed?
Going for a walk in the country?
Just doing something for you?
BPD does have a negative feel to it but out of everything comes some good. Through my involvement with it I found out that I had a sleeping disorder. That was the greatest news I’d heard in a long, long time as it meant that I could deal with it and find a solution and I’m working on it. I am sleeping a bit better and still have a way to go to get back to normal. This combined with a 6.30am exercise program has rejuvenated me and there is no turning back.
I’m not doing anything new, it is things that I knew I should be doing but I wasn’t – too lazy I suppose. I run/walk (alternate each day) each morning along the river, punch and kick a boxing bag (good stress remover), do sit ups and lift a few weights (not too heavy). I gave up cigarettes and eat a good breakfast, which helps create a better metabolism. And yes, reaching 40 does have an impact on your life and your body. J
I hope what I have shared has given you some idea of getting your old self back and that it is not about spending dollars but more about doing what you enjoy doing.
POEMS & LETTERS
PLEASE HEAR WHAT I’M NOT SAYING
Don’t be fooled by me. Don’t be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I’m afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me, but don’t be fooled. For God’s sake, don’t be fooled.
I give you the impression that I’m secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water’s calm and I’m in command, and that I need no one. But don’t believe me. My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask, ever varying and ever concealing.
Beneath lies no complacency, only lies, confusion, fear and aloneness. But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation.
My only hope and I know it. That is, if it’s followed by acceptance, if it’s followed by love. It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly erect. It’s the only thing that will assure me of what I can’t assure myself, that I’m really worth something.
But I don’t tell you this, I don’t dare, I’m afraid to. I’m afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love. I’m afraid you’ll think less of me, that you’ll laugh and your laugh would kill me. I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing, that I’m just no good, and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that’s really nothing, and nothing of what’s everything, of what’s crying within me.
So when I’m going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I’m saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying, what I’d like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can’t say.
I don’t like to hide. I don’t like to play superficial phony games. I want to stop playing them. I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me, but you’ve got to help me. You’ve got to hold out your hand even when that’s the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you’re kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings! With your power to touch me into feeling, you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator - a honest-to-God creator - of the person that is me, if you choose to. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask, you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely prison, if you choose to. Please choose to. Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back. It’s irrational, but despite what the books say about man, often I am irrational. I fight against the very thing that I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls, and in this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you meet, and I am every woman you meet.
~ A recovering BP ~
LETTING GO
To ‘Let go’ does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To ‘Let go’ is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I cannot control another.
To ‘Let go’ is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To ‘Let go’ is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To ‘Let go’ is not to care for but to care about.
To ‘Let go’ is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To ‘Let go’ is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes but to allow others to effect their destinies.
To ‘Let go’ is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.
To ‘Let go’ is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To ‘Let go’ is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To ‘Let go’ is to fear less and love more.
I forgave you your indiscretions
because not to
would have been so much harder.
I forgave you my pain
because I could not even begin
to contemplate the alternatives.
I had tangled myself up in you so utterly,
so completely,
that I lost track of where you ended and I began.
And I had no idea how to begin
unravelling
the fragile strands of my life
from the binding chains of yours.
I breathed your breath and
beat with your heart and
cried your tears and looked for truth in your eyes
and found only an impenetrable emptiness.
So we stumbled on in our symbiotic relationship.
I absorbing your insecurities
and you feeding on my despair.
Until I tripped over your lies
and fell into the arms of reality.
Slowly now,
carefully,
I rewind the fragmented threads of my soul
into some semblance of normality.
And battle an emptiness of my own.
~ Ashlee ~
DYSFUNCTIONAL VERSUS FUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS
D – Our relationship is Closed, I take you hostage and want you all to myself. I resent friends, family, even children receiving your time or attention.
F – Our relationship is open, I encourage your growth and welcome any meaningful relationships which promote your growth.
D – I have difficulty tolerating any separateness from you, I feel anxious, depressed and ignored when I am away form you.
F – I cherish my private time and space, and willing allow the same for you.
D – I engage in ‘one-upmanship’ games, I vie for control and I cannot let you know how much I need you.
F – Ours is a mutual give and take relationship in which neither of us feels superior or inferior. I honor your unique talents and abilities as well as my own.
D – I only let you know what I think it’s safe for you to know about me. I manage your impressions of me and seek to control your thoughts.
F – I am willing to risk being honest with you about who I am and what I feel.
D – I need constant reassurance and proof from you that you love me and approve of me.
F – I know I am a valuable and lovable person. I am secure in my identity.
D – I must have an Absolute, Unwavering Promise from you that you will NEVER leave me, even in Death.
F – We have a mutual commitment to each other, and remain flexible in accepting each others humanness and fallibility and mortality.
D – As long as I have you I am OK. I need you to make my life worth living.
F – Our time together is special to me but I am OK without you. My life is enhanced by your being in it.
D – I insist you NEED me, more than I need you as security against abandonment.
F – I encourage our independence and participate equally in our interdependence.
D – I am frightened by your anger or criticism and will dishonesty maneuver to avoid these, or will ‘steam roller’, or work at making you feel extremely guilty.
F – Your feelings are important to me, I am willing to listen and give honest consideration to whatever is bothering you.
D – Our relationship is ‘blown apart by every wind’ and I obsess about you/me leaving.
F – My commitment to you is strong and seldom questioned, no matter what my feelings are at the moment.
D – My shaky self-image desperately demands that I be right, think right, feel right, look right, and do right at all times…and since I don’t know where I END AND YOU BEGIN, I demand the same from you.
F – I am able to relax and flow with Life most of the time, to strive for ‘progress rather than perfection’…I am well aware that we are separate and distinct individuals…and I know and accept that we are each responsible for our choices.
D – I expect you to love me, defend me, and be unswervingly loyal to me, no matter what I do.
F – I expect us to treat each other with mutual respect and caring. I know that neither of us will tolerate abusive behavior or violation of our values or boundaries.
D – Without you, I am NOTHING. You are the Be-All-End-All of my existence.
F – I know that no human power can make or break my existence. I look for comfort and guidance from a power greater than either of us.